A Wife, A Mom, and a Nurse Walks into a Bar…

…and doesn’t recognize herself when she catches her reflection in the mirror…

…and also opens her Notes app to write a reminder to schedule an eye doctor appointment.

This is me. I am all these things. They are badges I wear with honor. But it is also true that I have lost parts of myself along the way and when I come up for air in the middle of all this responsibility, I feel disoriented. I’m so proud of my entrepreneur husband and we have had so many spur of the moment adventures. It’s been an important part of our relationship that I’ve been willing to change plans and hop in the truck for a last minute road trip. We’ve had four kids in five years. They are amazing and I’m beyond thankful to be their mom-but I’ve birthed four babies in five years. All of this while working as an emergency nurse is a lot then add in a pandemic just to ratchet the stress level up. I am a haggard mess. Jessica the wife, mom, and nurse is fulfilling her commitments. The Jessica that is left, outside of those elements, feels like there should be more leftover to commit to herself. 

Picking a word for the upcoming year is a trend that I haven’t felt compelled to participate in before. This year however was different and the word “beauty” picked me. I felt too silly to say it out loud in January, like it’s too shallow of a word or not noble enough. Also, I suspect I was embarrassed by it because deep down I feel like I’m too far gone. I’ve thought about it a lot over the first half of the month without much action. Now that it is the end of June, I’m giving myself permission to say it out loud-that the next six months I’m chasing after beauty. My hope is that talking about it will help me use my time well. 

“Happiness and confidence are the prettiest things you can wear.” Taylor Swift

What will increase my happiness and confidence? 

A consistent, fun home exercise program. I want so badly to feel athletic and healthy again. My favorite way to workout is lifting weights but a gym membership isn’t a realistic solution at this stage of motherhood. Maybe when all my kids are in school but not right now. A few days ago I found a used Peloton on FB Marketplace. It was meant to be-the seller even had shoes in my size. I’m excited to get started and welcome any advice or suggestions!

Hair and skin care. Earlier this week I had my hair cut and highlighted. It feels so fresh and healthy! The gray around my face is camouflaged and the little short pieces from N-95 breakage and postpartum hair loss are blended in. For my face, I should not be too tired at night or too late in the morning to skip washing it and moisturizing! I also purchased some makeup a few months ago that I feel really good about. The week before the mask mandate for WA lifted in March, I made a trip to the makeup counter at the mall. Finally getting to show my face in public, while still having mask acne from work, warranted professional assistance! Waxing my eyebrows helped significantly too. I wish I had done it sooner. They were beyond unruly and I was overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start with them. Now that they are neat and shapely, I should be able to keep them under control at home.

Wardrobe. I am on a mission to find clothes that fit right now. I don’t want to wait until I lose the weight. I am allowed to dress my current body in actual, real clothes-not just maternity/nursing clothes that are leftover and threadbare. Clothes that fit. Shoes that fit. I’m not sure why that’s so hard, but maybe it will get easier with practice. 

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” Kahlil Gibran

What will make my heart feel light?

Creating beauty. Learning photography and practicing my writing at times feel pointless. They are often frustrating and it’s hard to squeeze in time. Every once in a while though, it clicks and I’m able to create something beautiful. Those moments make creating worth the stress. Hopefully I’m learning and improving, slowing by surely, in the margins.

Beauty in the home. I’ve slowly been redecorating; replacing furniture that isn’t functional, swapping out artwork, decluttering, and organizing. I want our home to look and feel beautiful. Focusing on beauty this year has given me fresh encouragement to improve the space we are living in. Brett and I have also decided to move forward on a few fun projects, like pouring cement for a patio, rather than wait for the cost of supplies to double again.

I’m leaving up the decorations from our cowboy-themed first birthday party a few weeks ago. Having strings of colorful horses galloping through my kitchen makes me smile and I think we’ll enjoy them until they fall down. My daughters keep bringing in bouquets of wildflowers (weeds) they’ve picked in the field. We have jars of them throughout the house and they make me smile too.

Setting up systems and building routines. This is another work in progress. For so long, being flexible and not having a schedule/routine worked well for us but now I think we need to take back control of our time. I have a new schedule at work with a set pattern and I’m coming up with a calendar to spread the household chores out over my days off. For example, it is not relaxing to have a giant mountain of laundry growing on the couch, waiting to be folded and put away. The bigger the pile, the longer I will put off taking care of it and the pile will continue to get taller and more overwhelming. If I spread the laundry out and schedule in enough time to fold and put away, it won’t get out of control. Then I can relax in the evening without feeling stressed about the laundry mountain. I think building in some functional systems and following them will give my family and I more freedom.

When I think about it more, strategically completing chores seems like a form of self care, though not very glamorous. If I take a few extra minutes and do the dishes after breakfast, lunch becomes less of a struggle. If, every Wednesday we clean the toilets, having unexpected company on Saturday afternoon isn’t embarrassing. Fresh, clean sheets make bedtime more relaxing. Change out the tooth brushes on the first day of every month. Little things like this add up and bring more joy than effort.

Hopefully this year-long permission slip to focus on finding and celebrating beauty will be fruitful. Originally intended to write a funnier post about all my beauty fails in the last six months but realized there have been far more success to credit. It’s been encouraging to list out the things that have worked and I’m excited to keep moving forward. The two biggest challenges to keep working on are finding an exercise routine and putting into place housekeeping systems that are sustainable. Meanwhile, I’m going to keep practicing taking beautiful pictures and writing beautiful words. 

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series “Permission Slip”.